willmatheson.com article navigation system: previous - next - go back to listings

Goto Main Page.
Goto Crosswinds.
Goto previous essay: "The Day of Hell".
Goto next essay: "Insanity".

          How to be Sensitive so that Girls will Like You

A View from the Solarium RETRACTION: I can't believe the things I said about Julie and Cassandra... that was just going way way way too far! They're both nice people... somewhat strange, but very nice. =) j/k And everyone thinks I was writing about a specific person whom we will call "WILL'S DISASTER #4". Although she inspired me in a way, the "Object of Affection" here is fictional... at least the part about her shape anyway. I was making fun of me. Oh, and I still think we should get those sniper rifles.

            Today I am writing about a topic that will prove to be essential for the social lives of guys everywhere:

                              HOW TO BE SENSITIVE SO THAT GIRLS WILL LIKE YOU

            But, first, a note to people expecting to see "Radio Surfing". I beta tested it with Ms. Harbord and she said that it was 'low key', in the same way that she would say something a bit more frank, such as "It sucked like C-Word.". So, as a consequence, it will not be released. But none of this is half as important as learning:

                              HOW TO BE SENSITIVE SO THAT GIRLS WILL LIKE YOU

            Learning about this topic will bring you many benefits, only one of which will be that you could happen upon the opportunity to dance with your OOA (Object Of Affection) at a dance. This would be fine for you, but I would have problems with dancing. You see, it's my glasses. Without my glasses I think I look simply ugly, but with the D-Word things on, I look like a male medusa. I look almost as ugly as one of the girls at our school. But anyhow, I would end up not wearing my glasses to the dance. So, later on in the evening when my date gets bored with me (6:35pm), she'll sneak something that has a similar shape to her, such as a water cooler, under my arm and she'll run off to talk with someone a bit more interesting, like Michael Lawlor. Without my glasses, I will have no way of knowing that this has happened, except that my date will seem to feel a bit slimmer. Upon noticing her departure, I would try to go look for her, but as you all know, I have trouble making things out that are small and far away, such as the CN Tower from 1 mile. So of course I'd have less trouble finding my date, but it would still be difficult. Eventually I'll arrive at what I think just might be my OOA, only to find that it's actually Josh Hano's girlfriend, or God forbid, Josh Hano himself. I also find people think strange things about me when I am vision impaired, because I stare at them for upwards of twenty seconds, causing girls to think I'm checking them out and guys to think, well....... Suffice it to say though, that's only a small facet of problems in the humongous diamond of boons associated with learning:

                              HOW TO BE SENSITIVE SO THAT GIRLS WILL LIKE YOU

            Sensitivity can begin with what you say to or about other people. For example, I am being sensitive right now because from this point forward I will no longer mention any names. This will please people, especially girls, that I made fun of before, such as the dorks who teach my Art, English, Bio12, and Geography classes; the fat guy who sits at the back of my bus; and two friends that spend too much time with each other.
            Speaking of those people I made fun of before, I found that someone whose name rhymes with 'Catandra', and her mute friend whose name rhymes with 'Doolie', are into Witch's Tarot. But they don't tell fortunes or anything, they just do what comes naturally to people with a $50 deck of cards and one lone kernel of candy corn for brains and that is to tell 'stories'. For example: "The King was in...... conjugation with the Queen, and -FLIPS CARD- he had a cup.". But of course you would not say stuff like that too their faces because that would NOT be sensitive. Take that as an example of what not to do in the exiting endeavor of:

                              HOW TO BE SENSITIVE SO THAT GIRLS WILL LIKE YOU

            The first step on the long road of walking barefoot on hot coals to being sensitive is to make sure that in no way whatsoever you will offend your OOA. Here are some examples to help you:

            Speaking of stalking, a student (female, I think) in my art class wrote an article for the pickle jar about stalking, slamming stalkers throughout the whole two sentences, and giving out warning signs.
            One of them was 'do you know her birthday?'.
            No problems there! I don't know when her birthday is! It was sure great luck though that I just happened to give her the card I spent four hours drawing up on her birthday, though! But I think that she wrote the article (it WAS lighthearted, I'm not dissing a serious column on stalking or anything because that would NOT be sensitive) from a perspective suggesting that SHE herself was being stalked. I'm concerned. A guy that would choose HER of all people to stalk shouldn't be running around loose! I was going to go on about something pertaining to canines here, but that REALLY wouldn't be sensitive. To learn how to be sensitive, let us study, in depth, the topic:

                              HOW TO BE SENSITIVE SO THAT GIRLS WILL LIKE YOU

            Unless your name is Robbie Truman or Jamie Gibb or names that rhyme with those. I wouldn't give you tips for the girls if you paid me!
            Speaking of losers, if I were elected to Student Council, I would push for a plan to fight back. Essentially, it would involve giving students sniper rifles like the ones in those zero-zero-seven movies for the purpose of shooting these B-Words when they pester you. To gain use of these weapons, you would take a test that would prove that you could responsibly handle tactical assassin weaponry in an educational environment. I would be one of those students. When someone, let's say Dave Aitkens, or someone whose name rhymes with that, walks up to bug you, you would follow this six step process:

                        Dave sticks his head in the doorway.
                                -Load bullets
                        "Heeeeeeeeyyy Weeeiilll, what's happppennninnnnn ssswwilly?"
                                -Remove safety
                        "You're gay, Will."
                                -Line his head up in sight
                        "By the way, I just slept with your OOA."
                                -Fire warning shot
                        "Hey, sweet tits!"
                                -Shoot to kill
                        §-Making fun of your OOA-§
                                -Desecrate grave site

            Now, when word gets around to these B-Words, I'm sure they will stop bugging people so much, especially us vigilantes. And the system would also have fail safes. If it is ever revealed that the target is a DADDY, they would be removed from the Target List. Unfortunately, that removes Robbie Truman, or someone whose name rhymes with that.
            But this topic is unimportant when compared with the struggle to find out:

                              HOW TO BE SENSITIVE SO THAT GIRLS WILL LIKE YOU

            But sadly, I stopped giving a S-Word two pages ago. :-)

Hey, it's 1:50am. All you're getting is next story??, index, and Crosswinds. I hope I don't fall asleep before I uplognjdxt

Addendum for 03/21/98:
               Goto next article, "Insanity".
Addendum for 03/28/98:
          The index link takes you to the Main Page.